Some days I feel so so lonely, I imagine others seem to think this also. I've never been in love with anyone or had a realationship with someone. No gf or anything, it's trippy my mind is quite independent but in reality I'm a dependent. I've never really trust myself to be ok with what I'm doing with my life things seem to get boring very easily. Sometimes I don't even try, that scares me more than anything succeeding. I'm in a rut I'm not educated, NOT DUMB but NOT EDUCATED! I've accomplished eally anything I've set to do. It's time for me to let go and open myself up. Maybe I'll learn more by having a partner. I'm pretty much a only child all I've known is being able to talk, or play games with myself. Make my own entertainment which was mostly wasted laying on the couch watching tv. This was only if I wasn't playing,practicing or doing something for softball;Most likely u could catch me on the couch eating.


Ok, what can I give and what do I want, are questions I ask myself everyday. Sometimes I feel like I worth good things but most of the time I shrugg it off because I'm scared. This is dragging me down I'm almost 23 and I've seen and experienced some life but not what I really want. My Id knows, silently hidden waiting to be triggered .Sometimes truth can be so overwhelming, it's a huge wait to carry. WE all carry something. Sometimes though people don't see the truth or let it sink in. They deny themsleves this pleasure. I'm almost becoming like that so I can hit rock bottom. Because once u hit bottom the only way is up right? I think this but NO that's not right to think. The decisions, I make in my life should be better because I'm worth it. Remember this. I tell myself but it's hard take advise, you give to others.

I'm just writing wherever it takes me. I'll hopefully become better in my future.

Another one

A few days ago I went to a party by my house. It was quite an event. I decided to drink and well that turned out well. I even got to makeout for a little while with a beautiful woman. She is like 5 yrs older than me. That doesn't really matter though. SHe is a baker on a boat. So she left wednesday and won't be back until christmas, just for 5 hrs though. I'm going to try and hang with her tommorrow . Hopefully we can chat or we can hang with each other. Get to know each other better than just you know.

It really doens't feel like christmas to me. I 'm poor and don't shop so I 've mostly avoided it ll. Especially since don't recieve any television transmissions. Ok, later going to church with my best friend's mother . Yeah it's nice to have friends like I do and family. Like we all do. Well most!

Where do i find the middle?

Yet , again I have chosen this path over and over again. Yesterday I pretty much quite my job. I have no money saved and will have to pay rent at the end of the month. My roommates are poor and I haven't told them yet. SO now I'm searching again for a new job. this comes at a time where other things in my life were getting in line. I decided to take a few classes again, I began volunterring at a communuty-member based radio station. But almost everything else in my life is chaotic, well maybe just my mind. My best-friend claire who I'm in love, she is straight and not in love with me. Knows how deeply I care about here. Has met a new friend, who since then has hung out with him everyday. He's kinda dorky but he's treats her really well and can afford to buy things for her. He has been a motivation to her, so she just purchased a new house. All since Halloween, we have not been hanging so much. I've had a lot depression and self-examination lately. I have been working out and trying to work on my body, making sure it's ready for the tremendous usage it will get in the future. ANyways November was really stressful, which is something I don't experience very much of.
My job is the best job I've ever had but it doesn't make me happy and very chovonistic. But time has went by and I managed but latley I've had lots of thoughts about quitting and looking actually for jobs in my area and that actually interest me and were I can grow at(inside). That not pot! he,he. Anyways I pretty much quit a lot of jobs bcuz they're not satisfying. Especially now where I feel I am worth more. Not just money but mind,body, and soul. Like I have somewhat of a understanding more than probably most americans. I feel really fortunate but it's a constant battle. Taking all the truth and lies and filtering . Mostly keeping the body open for truths.

What it comes down to is i search for the middle but i only feel rushed when the extremes are put into play. Like I see the grays but what's thrilling is the polar opposites. I am an Aries, I figure that has something to do with personality. I want to be more and I feel somewhat, stuck. This of course is all in my mind. . My roomates said something to me the otherday" see u are growing", it came at a time I was listening to a holiday song (chorus) like and I just let out emotion, my eyes just flowed pouring out . it just happend a intense touch of emotion, overwhelming, I can't say how ot felt.