Wow there's so much that has gone on in my life. I will begin a bit later, but post will be more frequent.

Today I will start a workout plan. All I need is the motivation. I once had it just wondering where it went. Since no more p.e. classes I need do this on my own. Hopefully help me cut down on my smoking also. Remember it's your priority!!

wholly it's like 2010

I look at this wow, my life has changed so much but I still have that same wander. I haven't sparked myself, I'm still asking some of the same questions. My experience in the lat 4 years have been cool. I'm gay and proud!!

Inner suffocation

I have an addiction that once allowed me to be function but now I've seemed to let it take over and I'm just stuck. Well i don't have enough will power. I'm smart, beautiful, wise, and care. This is what I give to society but to myself, I give death. I feel suffocated and I'm not sure who of my friends I can talk to. I mean any of them would love for me to talk to them instead of having my silence. I gab on everything else except what I hold in a prism or some of my true beliefs.

I'm not going full blown which I've never have but I'm not even at 60%. I smoke pot way to much and eat lots of food while becoming very anti-social. It's okay to not spend b/c ur broke but your ridiculous either way. School I haven't gone a sober day I think. ANd I'm doing pretty good but what if I wasn't smoking, how well might I be doing?

WOw, it's been so long since I've even looked at this thing. My tone was so different, I still have that rage but it's manipulated itself to other areas of my life. I still don't know. So lately I play a lot of poker, these days. Who the fuck would of thought. I just quit from working at a church of some sort. first unitarians they are a awesome organization, but my boss and i well she was a bitch and kinda nice but it got weird just like my sentence structure here.

I think of you

There's this woman whose slowly starting to make her way in my daily thoughts. I see her every 4 weeks or so , she works on a boat. The split that's between us is really straining, there is really no communication until she gets into town. We are just "friends" supposedly, maybe even more. The more is want scares me , my mind has passionate thoughts about this lady. Can I give my all to her, or shall I become the Ghost in a Shell. So sweet, smooth , lushed curves is all I see in my mind. Her naked ass, a welcoming mouth that turns all my senses on fire.

I must let go of the scars I carry. Always remember we hurt people for good or bad, that's what humans do. I must not let her down but also keep my composure. Girls on the mind! It's sad to say but I'm not sure how distracted I want to get. Or how much I can feel!

Burn!

I'm angry! Last year about this time my fire was smoldering out and some how I kept it alive. Right now I'm burning furiously. I've never let this fire consume me but I think it's time. SO much in my life hasn't gotten done. I've been wasting away not really living well my last couple of years have felt like that. Maybe, I'm all crazy and looking back and forward now, is because my 23rd birthday is next week. I'm finally getting into the community, volunteering my time and just talking with folks.
I feel y friends aren't really who I thought they were, our connection is through drugs. I don't I can trust them anymore, I'm being shattered again. Don't get me wrong I have great friends but none of them have the same interest of me except Marijuana. I get laughed at and mocked, they don't get where I'm coming from, what I think I should be and how come I'm not there. That my shoulders bare the weight of the world. Make fun of me, I can take it but let me say something back to you . What do I get someone who flips out. Don't listen to my answers, listens to that person over there who has no idea, WHy not me? I know the answer, you just throw me to the wolves. That's ok. I'll show you all! I do need a shoulder to lean on, intimacy, love, someone just to listen. I thank you for what you've done and willl do. But I've been struck down by your words or lack of.

Who am I? Who am I? I'm the one who will bare the thorns. This is what I've been doing my whole life. Can you tell me when did I cross this line.

I hope I didn't lose her!!!

My FAVORITE character and speech.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

Shakespeare

Bicycle mechanic!

Yesterday, I finished sometihing that I've never done before. That is try at something, I am a beginning bike mechanic! I even got the apprenticeship, well my whole class did. It's hard to understan certain things ubt the more practice I have at using my fingers the better I will get. I get things and somethings I need a lot more studying/ experience. WOW, my vocab sucks! Anyways I really like bicycle and there great thing to have aroung. SOmday I hope to ride the Olympic Pennisula and Vancouver islan, BC. I need to get in a lot better shape though.

I need tools it sucks because I'm quite poor. I'm also a depressed individual, I don't believe in myself enough, I'm working on it. But this depression will last my whole life, so I must try to deal. It's hard to think I have this burden but so do others. Or even worse struggles.

I'm a training bike mechanic!!!!!! It's a great opportunity!!